This week, Jews around the world read from parashat vayechi, the final Torah portion in the Book of Genesis, which contains a poem of blessings offered by Jacob, on his deathbed, to his twelve sons.
However, not all blessings are created equal. Jacob begins by reprimanding his eldest son, Reuben. Jacob vows that Reuben, foremost in position and in strength, forfeited any claim to leadership when he slept with his father’s concubine and Rachel’s maidservant, Bilhah.
No further mention is made of Reuben’s transgression, first recorded in Genesis 35:22 —even before Joseph begins his epic journey—until now. Jacob carries the knowledge of his son’s wrongdoing in secret until the time arrives for him to receive his inheritance. Possibly, Reuben even believes that up until this point, he is meant to inherit the double portion given to Joseph’s children. Though Jacob may draw satisfaction from revealing his knowledge of Reuben’s crimes at the end of his days, his gamesmanship secures no meaningful benefit for Reuben or his other children, who likely bristle at Jacob’s deathbed critiques (Jacob also spurns Simeon and Levi).
The episode provides a powerful reminder of our responsibilities to avoid creating enmity among our next of kin. We ought to give our loved ones the gift of the ability to grieve, free from surprise or unnecessary conflict. To do so, we must first make the time to thoughtfully coordinate and plan end-of-life care, burial, and estate management using the proper legal methods. Then, we must be transparent with our next of kin about our plans so that, unlike Jacob, our next of kin may be free from surprises as they prepare to mourn us.
–Rabbi Josh Knobel