Dear Parents,

It’s likely that you’ve heard about the tragic death by suicide of the eighth-grade student at the Buckley School. While details are not readily available, on some level the nature of suicide is such that attempting to seek a satisfactory understanding for such behavior will always remain elusive.  The bottom line for you as a parent of teens and for those of us who work closely with teens is that the teen years are often a time of intensely felt emotions and that it is the challenging task of the adults who care for teens to assist in putting those emotions into perspective.  So, whether it is the impact of the death of the young man from Buckley School or the challenges our own teens face through their adolescent years, we as adults can provide listening and compassionate ears, supportive nurturing, and careful guidance.

Even if they are not familiar with the student we have found that the awareness of the death is widespread throughout the community.  You can rest assured that your teens either know already or will hear of it.  To that end, it is important that your teens have the opportunity to process their reactions to the event with you and/or other adults that can help them reflect on the complex and perhaps overwhelming emotions that result from such a trauma.

It is so important that in our desire to comprehend the death and soften its emotional impact we don’t engage in explanations that extend beyond the knowledge we actually have about the circumstances nor avoid the opportunity to allow our teens to process their own reactions.  In other words, we should resist speculation about the circumstances and certainly avoid blaming either the parents or the student; and most importantly when our teens ask questions that we cannot answer, we can encourage them to seek advice from those who might help them explore their questions.

We have included below some resources for teens and their parents as well as some guidelines shared by Milken Community High School with their families.

We would like you to know that as the clergy of your temple we are available to speak with you or your teen about the events, and of course, as a nurturing community we are always present to offer you support throughout your lives.  As always, we believe that our connections to each other as members of a life-affirming giving community will continue to provide us all with hope and strength in difficult times.

We invite you to share any or all of this with your teen.

L’shalom,

The Clergy of Stephen Wise Temple

Resources for Teens 

Stephen Wise Temple Phone number: 310.476.8561. A clergy member can be contacted 24/7 via our answering service.

Jewish Community:  

LA Jewish Teen Initiative
https://www.jewishla.org/program/la-jewish-teen-initiative-lajti/lajti-parent-workshop-series/

JQ International for LGBTQ teens
http://www.jqinternational.org/teen-jqsa/ ,

Others:  

National Suicide Prevention Hotline
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
Online Hotline 1.800.273.8255 (Available 24 hours per day)

Teen Line (staffed by Teens)
https://teenlineonline.org
1.310.855.4673, Hours: 6pm-10pm, daily
Text “Teen” to 839863, Hours: 6pm-9pm, daily

National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline
http://www.loveisrespect.org
Online Hotline 1.866.331.9474, {Available 24 hours per day)
Text “loveis” to 22522

Crisis Text Line
https://www.crisistextline.org
Text “Home” to 741741, (Available 24 hours per day)

The Trevor Project
https://www.thetrevorproject.org
Online Hotline, 1.866.488.7386 (Available 24 hours per day)
Text “Trevor” to 202.304.1200, Hours: 12pm-7pm, Monday-Friday

Advice to Parents provided by Milken Community High School  

Talking to your child about suicide 

Suicide is a complicated behavior. It is not caused by a single event such as a bad grade, an argument with parents, or the breakup of a relationship. People usually attempt suicide to block unbearable emotional pain, which is caused by a wide variety of problems. A person attempting suicide is often so distressed that they are unable to see that they have other options.

Talking about suicide in a calm, straightforward manner does not put suicidal ideas into kids’ minds. Talking about the feelings surrounding suicide promotes understanding and can greatly reduce the immediate distress of a suicidal person while also normalizing help-seeking behaviors. In particular, it is OK to ask someone if they are considering suicide, if you suspect that they are not coping. If they are feeling suicidal, it can come as a great relief to see that someone else has some insight into how they feel.

The National Association of School Psychologists (NASP) reminds us that these are some of the warning signs of suicide: 

  • Suicidal threats in the forms of direct or indirect statements
  • Suicide notes and plans
  • Prior suicidal behavior
  • Talking about feeling hopeless of having no reason to live
  • Isolation or loneliness
  • Making final arrangements (e.g., making funeral arrangements, writing a will, giving away prized possessions)
  • Preoccupation with death
  • Changes in behavior, appearance, thoughts and/or feelings

The best approach when speaking to your child about potential suicidal behaviors is to use concrete language and avoid euphemisms. While the tendency may be to shy away from using the word ‘suicide,’ the use of concrete and precise language during a conversation with your child will provide clarity and a better understanding of the potential severity of the situation. Please see below for suggested talking points:

  • “Are you feeling so bad that you’re considering suicide?”
  • “That sounds like an awful lot for one person to take; has it made you think about killing yourself to escape?”
  • “Has all that pain you’re going through made you think about hurting yourself?”

Common Reactions to Suicide  
Most adolescents have basic coping skills that allow them to handle strong emotions encountered day-to-day, but these skills may be challenged when dealing with suicide. It’s important to remember that adolescence marks a time of increased risk for difficulties with emotional regulation, given the intensification of responses that come with puberty, as well as the changes in the brain that occur during this developmental period.

Supporting Someone Impacted by Suicide 
Often people report that they find it difficult to support someone who has been impacted by suicide because they feel they don’t know what to say or might be managing their own struggles around the topic. It can be hard to find the right words when you’re feeling overwhelmed and emotional yourself.

Create a ‘safe space,’ where the person feels heard, loved, cared about, accepted, supported and understood. Letting the person know you support them, listening to them, and asking open-ended questions, can help to open the lines of communication.