Last week, our WPA hosted another Parent Wise Speaker – Dana Entin, who is a parenting educator and consultant. The turnout was strong for both the ES and EC morning sessions, but for those who were unable to attend, I thought I’d share assorted notes and highlights from Ms. Entin’s helpful and experienced insight. Much of what she shared aligns nicely with our focus this year on building empathy within our children.
She started by reminding us that the word “discipline” actually comes historically from Latin meaning “to teach or instruct”, and so she wants us to adjust our mindset from one of disciplining our quarreling kids to teaching or coaching them how to monitor their own emotions and constructively work through them. She pointed out that the longest relationship that most of us will have in our lifetime is that with our sibling(s). Combine this with the fact that our kids sit next to each other in the car every day and at the dinner table each night, often share rooms together, and are in each other’s company for so many hours and days throughout their childhood, it’s no wonder that they have friction between them and get under each other’s skin! In fact, conflict with siblings can and does happen at any stage of life, including through adulthood, and there are a lot of developmental stages that impact this relationship. So, good to remind ourselves that there’s nothing wrong or abnormal about our kids sometimes or even frequently struggling to get along. A certain amount of jealousy and anger is natural. “Rivalry is like a weed in the garden – it’s always going to be there!”
She talked a lot about us being a coach to our kids in these situations – resist the temptation to rush in and save them and fix everything for them. We aren’t accomplishing much when we just pull them apart. In fact, “when we rush in to solve their problems, we are sending them the message that they are not capable of solving things themselves.” Express to them that all feelings are okay, but not all actions. Acknowledge their strong feelings and points of view that are different, without judgement. Encourage problem-solving; letting them work things out is valuable and part of them learning both coping and social skills for life. When children upset each other, it becomes an opportunity for them to work on regulating their emotions and acknowledging that others also have their own independent and often different feelings.
Start by just being present and modeling mindfulness. Model deep breathing for them and encourage them to do the same. Try to slow things down. Mirror their feelings – acknowledge their feelings. Ask them to brainstorm possible solutions – “often kids’ solutions are very creative.” Don’t worry if their solution is not perfectly fair – it doesn’t always have to be and they won’t always insist on it. Again, act like a coach, not a referee.
You don’t have to wait for an argument to start to take positive action. “Work on building a strong foundation of connections within your home. Find opportunities to model emotional regulation, and then point out to your kids what you just modeled.” Praise good behaviors and positive actions when you see them in your children. When they problem-solve and work on relationship building, perhaps consider having some sort of small reward system in place. Acknowledge when they are feeling remorseful about their choices or actions, though it’s more important that they actually feel it than say it – “Actions speak louder than words.” Have periodic family meetings. And remember that it’s helpful for kids to see adults and parents having conflict and then working through it and moving on, back to a state of normalcy.
Ms. Entin stressed that kids naturally compete with each other – in many ways it’s built into their DNA. As their parents, we want to be mindful not to add to that competition by comparing them to each other, which is disrespectful, or by showing favoritism, which “can lead to longer-term issues and impact their future relationship.” Sibling relationships are very pliable and change over time. Acknowledge their differences as normal and to be celebrated. Avoid labels like “she’s the smart one” or “he’s the talented one” because it doesn’t give them space to change (and we know they often do!)
Dana Entin gave lots of examples of constructive dialogue with kids and modeled many of her suggested practices. It’s difficult to capture those here in writing, but we hope that some of the ideas repeated here can be helpful to all of us who are faced with the blessing and the challenge of raising multiple children.
John Heffron, Elementary Principal
