Hanukkah begins on Sunday night, December 18. This week, in advance of our celebration, here are some reflections on darkness and light.
As any number of children (including Peter Pan) have delighted to learn, the size—or at least appearance—of our shadow changes depending on our distance from it. As we try to escape our own shadow, its appearance grows only larger. As we come closer, the shadow gets smaller.
Dr. Assael Romanelli, a psychotherapist and founder of The Potential State Institute For Enriching Relationships, uses this imagery to talk about our full selves. He writes:
We want people to see our “authentic” self, while at the same time, we are presenting a positive veneer of a successful, composed, emotionally regulated person. And because of this positive veneer, when people celebrate or compliment us, we often do not fully believe them, because “they don’t really know who I am … If they only knew my bad or sad or mad sides, they wouldn’t love me.”
Dr. Romanelli continues by saying:
I use the term shadow parts to refer to those parts (or self-states)[i] that are denied, suppressed or hidden from ourselves and others: hostility, aggression, vulnerability, greed, sadism, dependency, helplessness, sexuality, vengefulness, and more.
In this week’s Torah portion, VaYeshev, we meet Joseph—the young boy who is the apple of his father’s eye. Loved by his father, we see a child who is struggling to be accepted by his brothers. His attempts, told through his interpretation of dreams, keep backfiring on him. Later in Joseph’s story, though, it is this very ability to interpret dreams that not only saves his life, but catapults him into the national spotlight. Ultimately, this very same gift, this shadow side, that alienated him from his brothers is what opens the door to a reunion with—and acceptance by—his brothers.
I have long read the Joseph narrative as one of developing emotional intelligence, of learning how to be a human in the world—something we are all working on. I am always struck by the fact that the very ability which causes him his greatest challenge early in life is the same one that offers him his greatest success, financially and emotionally. He learns how to harness what could be his shadow side and, like Peter Pan, dance with it to know freedom.
Dr. Romanelli suggests that the ability to do that, to lean into and harness and show our shadow sides can open us up to deeper relationships in the world. While he speaks of romantic relationships, I think his words ring true across the board. He writes that, when we show or see a shadow side:
Our partner becomes a more rounded character in our eyes, and we can have a renewed, eyes-open sense of who they are. Our love for them becomes a more mature and whole one.
Don’t hide it. Let them see it. Bring it in its full rawness. Do it trembling, but do it. In the long run, you will feel more celebrated than you have ever felt in the relationship.
So, as the days grow short and perhaps the shadows grow long—what power might you want to harness?
—Rabbi Sari Laufer