It is said that the Gates of Repentance, the Sha’arei Teshuvah, open during the High Holy Days. Maimonides, the famed medieval philosopher, taught extensively on teshuvah, making clear that repentance was not a one-time act, but rather an intricate process. According to his teaching, there are six steps to what he calls “complete repentance”: Recognition, Remorse, Recitation, Restitution, Reconciliation, and Resolve. Throughout these High Holy Days, our kavanot, taken from our High Holy Day worship supplement, “Days of Awe” (available at our High Holy Day services and online by clicking HERE) will consist of reflections from your clergy on each of these six steps.
Restitution
by Rabbi Ron Stern
Have you ever heard someone say: “That’s just the way I am, I can’t change!” or “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” Those expressions and so many more fly in the face of the Jewish wisdom that underpins the very essence of Yom Kippur. Maimonides, the great medieval scholar, went so far as to say that this is “the thesis held by fools.” He goes on to say that “each person is fit to be righteous like Moses or wicked like Jeroboam [an avowed idolator king].” Maimonides is insistent on humanity’s ability to exercise free choice in many of our affairs. Choice is integral to our ability to change our behaviors and habits.
The fourth step on his path to full teshuvah—the personal change that is repentance—is restitution. While it is not difficult to arrive at appropriate restitution when something of material value is violated, how does one make restitution when the offense is verbal or an action that causes offense or damages a reputation?
In my work with wedding couples, I utilize a program called Prepare/Enrich, which emphasizes that seeking and granting forgiveness is at the core of a successful marriage. Restitution, in its teaching, is a two-way street. Beyond an apology, the offender must commit to never repeating the troubling action. In turn, the aggrieved partner must agree not to get even, and to let go of the blame and resentment that is naturally felt. It requires communication, negotiation, mutual understanding, and diligent attention to behaviors and words that can repair the breached relationship.
Our relationships with others constitute the very fabric that creates our societies and sustains our lives. When our most essential bonds are compromised, Jewish tradition assures us that we can make the personal change to rebuild them. Modern wisdom instructs us that the path to restoring them derives from the very relationships themselves. We rebuild what has been broken by committing ourselves anew and opening our hearts to one another.