In her book Emotional Development in Young Children, Suzanne Denham names various factors that increase the odds of a more empathetic child.
They include:

  • Empathetic parents: Children whose parents regularly show empathy for others are more likely to become empathetic themselves.
  • Temperament: There is a correlation between children who demonstrate empathy toward others in distress and their likelihood to be happier and more social.

To work on building our children’s empathy skills, we start by listening to them and trying to read “between the lines” to get to the emotion that is lying beneath their words.  It’s okay to ask them questions to gently probe deeper. Our goal is to try to determine the cause of whatever it is they’re feeling.  In his book Never Split the Difference, Chris Voss calls this “mirroring”: “…make your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say.  In that mode of true active listening…you’ll make them feel safe. It begins with listening, making it about the other person, validating their emotions, and creating enough trust and safety for a real conversation to begin.”

Then, give their feeling a name: “You seem angry” or “Are you frustrated?” This helps substantiate their emotion and lets them know that they’re allowed to feel any way they choose. [How they react in response to that feeling is a different matter.]  Then offer (but don’t insist) to brainstorm strategies to help improve the situation that is causing the strong feeling. “Shall we think together of some ways to make that better?” or “Would you like me to help you come up with some ways to improve that?”

All of the actions and responses discussed thus far help set the stage for the next step in the process.  First we want to make our child aware that’s it’s okay and normal to experience strong emotions, and she/he has the ability to take positive steps to move on from those emotions. Think of this as starting with the self – becoming more aware of our own emotional life.  In Step 2, we want them to start to attune to emotions in other people.  This can be done in a variety of ways:

  • When you experience your child doing something kind or caring, shine a light on it.  Let your child know that you’ve seen it and that you appreciate it:
    • “Joshua, I love how you just helped out your little brother with that situation!  You saw he was struggling, and you stepped in and lent a helping hand.  You’re so thoughtful!” (In educational terms, this is known as positive behavior support.)
  • “Connect the dots” – help your child see the results of their empathetic actions:
    • “Allison, your aunt was so touched that you called her today to see if she’s feeling better.” 
    • “Gavin, did you notice how happy Tommy was when you encouraged him to join your basketball game?”
  • Help your child attune to nonverbal communication in others:
    • “Jennifer, did you notice the look on Ruth’s face when you all were playing just now in the driveway?  Do you want to find a moment to check in on her to see if something is bothering her?” 
  • Encourage your child to be observant of others and then ask questions about their observations. This can be done in real-life situations or with books//TV/movies:
    • “What do you think that young girl feels, seeing her daddy rescue that animal?”
    • “How do you think the families are feeling right now who live near those fires?”
    • “What do you think your teacher was feeling when so many in the class did that?”
  • When applicable, immediately accompany the previous idea with a follow-up question as to what might help that person feel better:
    • Parent: “What do you think your teacher was feeling when so many in the class did that?”
    •  Child: “Angry? Sad?”
    • Parent: “What do you think would have made him feel happier in that situation?”
  • Let your child know about your feelings and reactions, in the moment as they happen:
    • “I’m so thrilled!  My best friend is having her first baby!”
    • “I’m so angry! The cost of these repairs will be much more than they first told me!”

“Kids whose parents acted as ‘emotion coaches’ learned to acknowledge and master their emotions better; they were more self-confident and physically healthier.  They also scored higher in math and reading, had better social skills, got along better with friends, and had lower levels of stress.” – from The Heart of Parenting by John Gottman, professor of psychology at the University of Washington.

-John Heffron, Elementary Principal