The Hebrew month of Elul has just begun, traditionally devoted to preparing ourselves for the High Holy Days. With that in mind, this week, Rabbi Woznica offers suggestions about forgiveness.
Granting Forgiveness When Hurt is Great and Trust is Shattered
The Lubavitcher Rebbe wrote a piece on this topic, explaining there are three levels of forgiveness.
The first is not wishing the person any harm; we even pray for their wellbeing. At this basic level of forgiveness, we might still be upset and feel hurt or even angry. Yet, we resist the temptation to hope for the person’s downfall, and eschew the urge for revenge or retribution.
The second level is to no longer harbor resentment or ill will, and to let go of our anger. We accept we may not have the same relationship with the person who has wronged us as we had in the past, but we can move forward and reach the point where we no longer carry anger and resentment on any level.
The third and final level—complete forgiveness—comes when the relationship is restored. We have forgiven the offender and reaccepted him or her.
The Talmud explains that even if someone has hurt us terribly, we are expected to find the strength to forgive them at least on the first level. The absence of any forgiveness whatsoever is a sign of cruelty. Wishing ill on someone and the desiring of revenge represents a weakness of personality that requires rectification.
A more difficult form of forgiveness is the second stage, where we cease feeling hurt or angry. If we have been hurt or betrayed, we might need time and hard work to rid ourselves of negative feelings. It could be a long process of soul searching, until the feelings of resentment actually disappear from our heart and soul.
Finally, while ideally we restore the relationship, it is essential to note this is not always possible, or even preferable. Some relationships are so toxic it is better to walk away from them. In other cases, restoring the relationship is impossible. Still, it is not always necessary to terminate all contact or become antagonistic. The Lubavicher Rebbe suggests we can still achieve a more basic level of forgiveness by wishing them well. We can still cease being angry and give them basic respect. We can still greet them when we see them and give them the dignity that every human being deserves.
Every small improvement in our relationship is significant, has a profound effect, and generates happiness. Take the first step now.
Rabbi David Woznica
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