On Monday, Sept. 25, 2023, Stephen Wise Temple Rabbi Ron Stern delivered a sermon on living in the moment for Yom Kippur afternoon services at Katz Family Pavilion. You can view and read our other High Holy Day sermons, music, and photos on our High Holy Day Highlights page.
Transcript of Rabbi Ron Stern’s Sermon: “Choosing to be a Participant in Our Own Lives“
I loved Jewish camp.
I went for years.
Sure, the Jewish stuff was great…
we had Shabbat, Jewish community
– but I was in High school!
Yeah…no…not going to go there.
What I really loved was that in my public high school,
I was a bench sitting midfielder.
At Jewish camp, I started every game!
Regardless of my skills,
I do love Soccer,
so I really enjoyed the Women’s World Cup games this summer.
Watching got me thinking….
The fans are incredible.
They are so engaged in the game.
They paint their faces, dress up, they chant.
No doubt, fan support makes a difference to the game,
but when it all comes down to it, they are observers.
It’s the players who participate on the field
who have control over the game
and its outcome.
They are the real participants.
It’s like that in life also:
In life there are participants and there are observers.
I want to explore that dichotomy with you:
what does it mean to be an observer in life
and what does it mean to be a true life-participant.
In truth we live along a continuum
that moves back and forth between participant & observer.
When we’re on the observer side
we are not fully disengaged
but like the fans in the stands,
we’re watching more from the sidelines
rather than doing our best to control the action.
Observers are more likely to miss the big picture,
to avoid wrestling with complex issues,
and to resist actively pursuing resolutions
to challenges that life places before them.
HOWEVER…
When we’re on the participant side
we do everything we can to call the shots.
Life-participants are more likely to set goals,
actively work to achieve them,
and do all we can to live the life we imagine for ourselves.
And life-participant also step back from time to time.
They analyze how they’re performing in this game called life.
They take time to review their strategy and
change what needs to be changed.
I’m sure the US women’s soccer team is doing just that now!
You might be thinking: “I’m a participant!”
I get up each morning before 6,
workout,
take care of the kids,
go to work,
put in long hours,
party hard,
play hard,
work hard.
Yes, that’s certainly a version of being a life-participant.
You’re running on a treadmill,
that’s for sure.
But I wonder, are you really living your best life?
When life runs us,
rather than us running life,
we may think we’re participants,
but like those costumed fans on the sidelines,
we’re not really controlling the game.
Truth is that our control is just an illusion.
But you are here.
You are taking Yom Kippur seriously.
100s of thousands of Jews have checked out—but not you!
Your very presence
shows that you desire to give Judaism
a meaningful presence in your life.
You are likely willing to engage in a dialogue
about how Jewish values influence the choices
you make in your life.
I want to be clear:
I don’t think there’s a black and white Jewish answer
to many if not most of life’s big questions.
Different people can and will
make different authentically Jewish choices,
but by wrestling with those big ideas
we enrich our lives and
become even more conscious participants
in our life journey.
So, let me add another modifier to my phrase:
I’m inviting you to be a Jewish life-participant.
So now, a story of an amazing Jewish life-participant:
This year, our community lost an incredible human being.
Small of stature but a giant
because of the legacy she left.
She impacted thousands and thousands of people.
She wasn’t a politician,
not a writer,
not a presence in the media,
nor did she run a large organization.
She simply told her story.
Over and over and over again.
Each time she told it she seized the attention of her audience,
left them spellbound
and taught a vital lesson
about determination, grit, and survival.
She had one prop –
one she held up with each telling—
an apple.
(Incidentally, she was a long-time honorary member of Stephen Wise.)
Her name: Sidonia Lax.
The apple would rest on a table
as she told the story of her ordeal
hiding from the Nazis as they ravaged Poland.
It would sit there as she told her the forced labor in the ghetto,
of the death of her mother,
of her father’s flight from the ghetto
to secure food his starving daughter
a venture from which he never returned.
As she enthralled us with her escape
from a train bound for Auschwitz
after it was bombed by the allies,
we wonder what an apple has to do with Sidonia.
And then, in a room full of Jewish and non-Jewish school children,
she holds up an apple –
she’d say: “…my father fled the ghetto to get me an apple.”
“That apple is a symbol
of my parents’ willingness to sacrifice for their children. My dad even lost his life for an apple.
Never take anything for granted, not even an apple!”
she says in her Polish accented English.
After arriving in Los Angeles,
Sidonia married, gave birth to children,
became a grandmother, and continued to tell her story.
She joined the March of the Living to walk with high school seniors
until she couldn’t keep up any more.
How?
How was she able to rebuild her life, to love, to raise children, to become a vibrant human being?
How did she find the capacity to revisit her terrifying memories over and over again?
Sidonia was a full life-participant.
She consciously transformed the pain of her past
into a transformational message to the world.
Few of us, apart from Shoah survivors,
can even imagine what she endured
and what she carried in her memories.
And none of us would have faulted her if she kept it all suppressed.
But, by actively choosing a particular path
she left a legacy that will endure for generations,
and if you’ve spent any time with her,
as I had the good fortune to do,
you would have known a person
who was full joy, warm, and endearing.
(*PASUE*)
The brilliant scholar of the human condition—
known for her work on vulnerability and leadership—
Brene Brown
says that when we live our lives authentically,
we take accountability
for our most difficult emotions and actions.
She says: “You either walk inside your story and own it
or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” That’s the difference between participants and observers.
A participant walks inside their story. ..
doing everything possible to live a meaningful, impactful life.
An observer lets life happen,
shows up from time to time,
even cheers loudly from the sidelines
but when it comes to making choices and decisions
that truly matter,
they fall short.
There’s a powerful,
ancient rabbinic maxim
that reflects ideas
that I believe a Jewish life participant needs to consider.
Though the words are 2,000 years old—
their truths are eternal.
The sage Ben Zoma said:
Eizeh hu ashir? “Who is truly wealthy?
The one who’s satisfied with what they have.
Eizeh hu gibor? Who is truly strong?
The one who conquers their impulses.
Eizeh hu mechubad? Who is truly honorable?
The one who honors others.
In this pithy bit of wisdom,
our rabbis suggest that success
is not about wealth, power, and honor —
it’s what we do with our status and accomplishments
that is the true measure of a life’s worth.
In your hands you’re holding a repository of wisdom.
It’s goal is to inspire us to assert Jewish values in our lives.
We’ve just read a litany of human failings.
Al chet shechatanu….for the sins we’ve committed.
If you read the list
and don’t see yourself in some of them
and recognize the need
to focus on your own self-improvement,
well than you are at risk
of being more of an observer than participant
in your own life.
Today of all days,
reading these words
should drive all of us
on an intense journey of self-reflection and self-awareness—
And we should come back from that journey
committed to be more than we’ve been.
Sidonia is an exemplary life-participant
because she reflected on her own experiences
and asked herself
how to use them to contribute to the world.
Her actions were intentional,
purposeful,
and deeply meaningful,
both to her
and to the 1,000s who were moved by her message.
Remember, she could have done nothing,
she could have suppressed her memories
or bottled them up inside of her. . . .
cascaded from life event to life event
without much intention
and lived out her days as an observer.
Millions of people do just that.
During these Holy Days we read deeply disturbing words:
“Who shall live and who shall die…
who by fire and who by water,
Who shall be tranquil,
who shall be troubled?”
If only our fate was written during these days.
If only our world was that well-ordered.
If only a Divine judge acted to make it all turn out right.
But more often than not
we feel powerless in the face of life’s vicissitudes.
Neither prayer nor virtue guarantees an outcome.
We may not be able to control all that happens
but we can take charge of the choices we make
when things do.
The words of Torah we read today include the powerful words: U’v’charta b’chayim — Choose life –
the intent is not merely to keep one’s head above water –
it’s to be driven by choices
that reflect a deep engagement with Jewish wisdom and insights.
Just last week
I had a conversation with a woman about my age
who lost her husband without warning several months ago.
I asked her how she was holding up.
She said: “I have bad days and bearable days….
and sometimes even good days.”
And then she went on:
“But I’m determined to be the mother my kids need,
involved in the community,
and I find much comfort in being Jewish.
I’m not turning away.”
Then with tears in both our eyes she hugged me.
These are the kinds of five-minute conversations rabbis have!
This woman is a Jewish life-participant.
Even in the face of suffering,
of loss,
of illness
we can make decisions that reflect our values and goals.
We needn’t do it alone.
We have families,
we have clergy,
we have therapists and doctors.
All are resources that can guide and support us
as we navigate our way through complex decisions.
But to do nothing,
or very little,
is to risk being an observer in our own lives.
If you are fortunate,
you may have not yet faced loss or illness
or any number of life’s challenges.
But forgive me for being a prophet of doom here: you will.
It’s the nature of life.
No one is immune.
The time to think about what you will do is not in the midst of a crisis.
It’s now.
Contemplate your goals and values.
Use them to prepare as best you can.
Discuss your thoughts with those you love.
When those situations arrive…and they will.
How will you be a true participant?
Will life happen to you,
or will you exercise every capacity you have
to make the choices that reflect your deepest values,
the vision you have of who you are and
who you want to be—
and, of course,
the legacy we leave for those who are in our lives?
You’ve heard this often, but it bears repeating:
Many of the themes and rituals of Yom Kippur
remind us of our own mortality.
Dressed in white, fasting, confessing our sins –
something usually done before death;
even the manifold recitation of
Adonai Hu Ha-Elohim
and Sh’ma Yisrael
as the last words of Yom Kippur
are evocative of death.
We recite them on behalf of one who dies.
Our tradition says:
you are not fully in charge of your life but….
you can make choices
that will ultimately influence your fate.
Perhaps not to give you a longer life,
or a life that is free of suffering,
perhaps not even in a way
that results in fabulous wealth or poverty,
however if you take charge of how you live your life –
Living with introspection, righteousness,
and committed to repairing broken relationships—
the quality of your life will be dramatically different.
You will live inside of your own story –
and you will truly be a participant.