by Cantorial Intern Sara Anderson
For five years, coming home has become a ritual for me. My trips happen seasonally, and they mark the passing of time. Not unlike the wall in my childhood home where my height and age was marked to show my growth, my trips home hold a mirror up to how far I am into becoming a Cantor. I carefully arrange what I take home with me, both physically and emotionally. I can tell each trip what has changed about myself. I sense what truths I have uncovered, and recognize the elements of myself that I hope will have changed by the next time I travel home.
I have come to expect that in the week leading up to coming home, I will have trouble sleeping. In the anticipation of travel, I end up awake in the very early hours in dialogue with myself about my relationships and my behavior.
In this week’s parsha, our multifaceted patriarch Jacob also prepares to return home. He hopes to reconcile with his brother Esau, but learns that his brother has organized an army against him. Like me, Jacob methodically prepares; he organizes his household, he readies for war, he prays, and he sends gifts hoping to appease his brother. He sends his camp ahead of him and that evening, he is left alone. The Torah says, “וַיְאָבֵק אִישׁ עִמּוֹ עַד עֲלוֹת הַשָּֽׁחַר׃”, a man , a man wrestled with (Jacob) until the break of dawn. It is commonly understood that the man Jacob wrestled with was an angel representing Esau, intending to disrupt his trip. This explanation symbolizes a spiritual altercation to precede the impending physical meeting of these brothers.
Angels are emissaries of God, and so the notion that Jacob wrestled with God is also an accepted midrashic explanation- a modern one that encapsulates the struggle each of us have with a higher power.
The explanation of the mysterious man that I most identify with is neither of these interpretations, but rather the following interpretation from Rabbi Hunya:
The mysterious man appeared to Jacob in the image of a shepherd. He had sheep, just like Jacob had sheep. He had camels, just like Jacob had camels. He said to Jacob, “You pass over yours and then I’ll pass over mine.”
רַבִּי חוּנְיָא אָמַר נִדְמָה לוֹ בִּדְמוּת רוֹעֶה, לָזֶה צֹאן וְלָזֶה צֹאן, לָזֶה גְּמַלִּים וְלָזֶה גְּמַלִּים, אָמַר לוֹ הַעֲבֵר אֶת שֶׁלְּךָ וְאַחַר כָּךְ אֲנִי מַעֲבִיר אֶת שֶׁלִּי.
The man was a shepherd, like Jacob. He had what Jacob had, and was also preparing for the journey home, similar to what Jacob was preparing for. This man was Jacob. Jacob remained there alone, and wrestled with himself until the break of dawn. The figure he most needed to contend with wasn’t the brother he betrayed. His primary struggle was with himself.
We all experience inner struggle, as Jacob did when he prepared to go home to see his brother. We all have interactions that keep us awake, that make us wish we could have a do-over, or that show us what our task is the next day. I know that in the moments where I wrestle with myself, I am working toward becoming a better sister, a better Cantor, and a better person. Like Jacob, may we each find the strength to wrestle with ourselves on our journey home.
